Searching for the truth when the truth was quite apparent all along is quite silly. When the truth hits you in the face, finally... you feel stupid. You knew it all along, but you refuse to acknowledge it. Putting hopes in places that is not even worthwhile. Ending one silly, silly chapter of my life. Note- when i thought things was at the peak of rotting and falling apart- i made a decision that seemed the most rationale-and what Allah SWT has given us all this while, which is akal, is the right thing to make use of. :) Alhamdulillah, i now see the hikmah behind my decision.
Speaking of hikmah.. im again in a position where i dont know whether what i had done is the right thing to do. Whether it is the right decision. Whether i am where im supposed to be. Waves and waves of tests are pushing me to the edge. Ya Allah is this where i am supposed to be. If it is, please please give me the strength and patience to bear with all this.
Ive always blamed my parents for screwing their marriage. Ive always said they never thought of anyone else but themselves. Ive always said they are selfish in their own rights. Ive always thought they never sacrificed any amount of self importance for our sake, for the family's sake. Now i realise how hard it is to make that sacrifice. To hold on to what is in the Quran to save the marriage and family. How i pray and pray everyday that Allah SWT gives me the patience and strength to not be selfish. To remember my Iman. To remember that my goal, in the end, is His jannah. And to remember that this life i'm living belong only to Him. And only through His ways can i find happiness in this world and the next.
It is hard when i constantly feel unappreciated. It is hard when i constantly feel like i look like shit in his eyes. It is hard when i feel like whatever i do will never earn his appreciation. It is hard when i feel like everything i do is not gonna be enough.
Ya Allah, although i may not be good enough in his eyes, although i may not be what he really wants, i will keep on trying to be all that, so that i may be a good partner. So that i may look good in Your eyes, Ya Rahman, Ya Rahim.
I hope this road i'm on will be easier soon. I know im stronger than my parents. I know i will not repeat all that they have done. I know because i have learnt. And i have sworn not to put my own future family in the place i have been before. I now leave the rest of my direction in Your hands Ya Allah.
