Are u listening?

I cant do this..

How do I go on like this... My heart is heavy. Heavy with the thoughts of you. I miss you so very much. Just too much to bear.

On days that i want to say i miss you, how do i say i miss you. Would you want to hear it? Is it wrong for me to miss you?

You, the espresso to my days. You. the ember that sparks the passion in everything i do. You, the one who constantly makes me laugh. You, whose voice alone is enough to calm my darkest moments. You, who, in the most nothing of words i see from you everyday, makes me feel like its the sweetest love letter of all times.

You, who never gave up on me. You, who love me just the way i am with my flaws.

u.

I wonder if you will be there for me forever? Or will you leave me in this dark abyss i have created for myself. Will you tire of loving me? I wonder if i will be willing to let you go to be happier with another. Or will i just wither away and disappear at the mercy of time?

u. i miss u very much.

Relinking

Link to who i was, and after some very long thought, it is who i still am..with some minor changes though... :

silentjourney.blogdrive.com

Vanilla or Espresso

I love being safe

I love being loved

I love being taken care of

I love having someone i can count on

Every step of the way

Everyday

But i miss the conversations

I miss the adrenaline rush of doing stupid things

I miss the way i was totally understood,

bared to my soul

My thoughts revealed,

even before a word is spoken

I love how safe it is to feel safe

I love the comfort

I love the warmth

I love the undisturbed nights

The cozy cuddles

I miss the passion

I miss the feeling of being fragile

Knowing I could be that vulnerable

I miss the crazy laughs,

and the gaze that could drown me in an ocean of fervour

Vanilla..comfortable, always good, unvaried, affectionate, and safe...

Espresso..inviting, addictive, exciting, unraveling, and detrimental in unlimited quantity

Vanilla or Espresso....

I know what i want....

Right??

Between amusement and mind games

Exhibit A

Note Exhibit A. Now this is the typical self-shot... Budget cun...Ala ayu2... Ditangkap ketika effort untuk bersiap pada hari tu diletakkan pada skala 10. ( 1 for paling malas..and 10 for ultra rajin)

Exhibit B

Now note Exhibit B. This is more like me...an everyday effort level of 3-4 on the scale, at the most..with that expression that's permanently on my face...

Exhibit C

 
Now what's amusing you may ask?

As much as i believe i love looking all pretty and done-up as in Exhibit A...as much as i believe i love the fact that more people would want to approach and talk to me when i look like Exhibit A and the sudden bonus points i get from people i know for looking like Exhibit A... I know now i'd rather be looking like Exhibit B all the time and actually be loved for it. I'm tired of knowing i'll always be compared to, or if not compared to, lose points (looks-wise) to all the "perfect" faces on TVs and magazines.

__________________________________________________On the other hand......erm...

Do you think Exhibit A or Exhibit B is really, really...me??? Or is it just a face made up, not made up, etc. to show what i want people to see? Is the paragraph above really about me?? Or is it just information fed to let people think they know what's on my mind?

Is today's blog entry an honest and sincere entry?? Or is today's entry done just because i'm bored and  i wanna mess with your head a little bit??

Well..for those answers my friends...Please refer to Exhibit C's expression :) I guess all you can do now is take your best guess.. :)

Much Love,
Faranadia ;) (wink wink)

The lost soul

Everywhere I turn..everyone I meet..

Things, people and places...seem empty

Like a face without the defining balls in its sockets

Hollow, devoid of meaning

Where has the soul gone to?

The essence of each element

Only apparitions of it appear sometimes

The soul, only a ghost existing 

in the past

When music had definition

When its words had nuances

When people had conscience

Material meant less

And love and respect meant almost all

Till the soul returns

This world is hollow, devoid of meaning

Empty sockets without its defining balls on a face that was meant to be beautiful.

-Copyright: Fn2013

Right about writing

I was reading through some of my old blog posts. It seems like it has been ages since I have had this need for typing on this blank piece of white screen. (yeap..not writing on papers anymore.although i still do prefer them. A little more hands on don't you think?)

I've never thought very much of myself as a writer. When i started my job as a copywriter about two years ago, I knew I could do the job. But I had no idea how good/bad I was at the job since I never get much of any kind of feedback from my colleagues, my bosses, my clients.

When I started, I got rejected a lot. I was asked to change this and that. Rewrite and rewrite. After a while, I realised, hey..Its just amendments now. No more rewrites. After a while more, I just did what I had to do. Its a job. Its sustainable.

I left that job just over a month ago. And being here, doing something entirely different than writing made me realise just about how much I miss it. I miss picking the different words that mean the same to fit it in the sentence, just to make it sound right. I miss constructing sentences that made people want to read on. I miss the sound of my own voice in my head reading the sentences to make sure they sound whole and complete in one paragraph. I actually miss writing a lot.

So yeah... Its back to writing for me. I'm going back to it next month. Oh..and that reminds me.. i gotta learn where to put my '.' and ',' and ';' and ':' and '-' and '...' and  even '' for that matter...haha...

I cant wait to get started again. In the meantime.. Mind your p's and q's peeps ;)

Love,
Fara

tired..but still trying.

Searching for the truth when the truth was quite apparent all along is quite silly. When the truth hits you in the face, finally... you feel stupid. You knew it all along, but you refuse to acknowledge it. Putting hopes in places that is not even worthwhile. Ending one silly, silly chapter of my life. Note- when i thought things was at the peak of rotting and falling apart- i made a decision that seemed the most rationale-and what Allah SWT has given us all this while, which is akal, is the right thing to make use of. :) Alhamdulillah, i now see the hikmah behind my decision.

Speaking of hikmah.. im again in a position where i dont know whether what i had done is the right thing to do. Whether it is the right decision. Whether i am where im supposed to be. Waves and waves of tests are pushing me to the edge. Ya Allah is this where i am supposed to be. If it is, please please give me the strength and patience to bear with all this.

Ive always blamed my parents for screwing their marriage. Ive always said they never thought of anyone else but themselves. Ive always said they are selfish in their own rights. Ive always thought they never sacrificed any amount of self importance for our sake, for the family's sake. Now i realise how hard it is to make that sacrifice. To hold on to what is in the Quran to save the marriage and family. How i pray and pray everyday that Allah SWT gives me the patience and strength to not be selfish. To remember my Iman. To remember that my goal, in the end, is His jannah. And to remember that this life i'm living belong only to Him. And only through His ways can i find happiness in this world and the next.

It is hard when i constantly feel unappreciated. It is hard when i constantly feel like i look like shit in his eyes. It is hard when i feel like whatever i do will never earn his appreciation. It is hard when i feel like everything i do is not gonna be enough.

Ya Allah, although i may not be good enough in his eyes, although i may not be what he really wants, i will keep on trying to be all that, so that i may be a good partner. So that i may look good in Your eyes, Ya Rahman, Ya Rahim.

I hope this road i'm on will be easier soon. I know im stronger than my parents. I know i will not repeat all that they have done. I know because i have learnt. And i have sworn not to put my own future family in the place i have been before. I now leave the rest of my direction in Your hands Ya Allah.