The lost soul

Everywhere I turn..everyone I meet..

Things, people and places...seem empty

Like a face without the defining balls in its sockets

Hollow, devoid of meaning

Where has the soul gone to?

The essence of each element

Only apparitions of it appear sometimes

The soul, only a ghost existing 

in the past

When music had definition

When its words had nuances

When people had conscience

Material meant less

And love and respect meant almost all

Till the soul returns

This world is hollow, devoid of meaning

Empty sockets without its defining balls on a face that was meant to be beautiful.

-Copyright: Fn2013

Right about writing

I was reading through some of my old blog posts. It seems like it has been ages since I have had this need for typing on this blank piece of white screen. (yeap..not writing on papers anymore.although i still do prefer them. A little more hands on don't you think?)

I've never thought very much of myself as a writer. When i started my job as a copywriter about two years ago, I knew I could do the job. But I had no idea how good/bad I was at the job since I never get much of any kind of feedback from my colleagues, my bosses, my clients.

When I started, I got rejected a lot. I was asked to change this and that. Rewrite and rewrite. After a while, I realised, hey..Its just amendments now. No more rewrites. After a while more, I just did what I had to do. Its a job. Its sustainable.

I left that job just over a month ago. And being here, doing something entirely different than writing made me realise just about how much I miss it. I miss picking the different words that mean the same to fit it in the sentence, just to make it sound right. I miss constructing sentences that made people want to read on. I miss the sound of my own voice in my head reading the sentences to make sure they sound whole and complete in one paragraph. I actually miss writing a lot.

So yeah... Its back to writing for me. I'm going back to it next month. Oh..and that reminds me.. i gotta learn where to put my '.' and ',' and ';' and ':' and '-' and '...' and  even '' for that matter...haha...

I cant wait to get started again. In the meantime.. Mind your p's and q's peeps ;)

Love,
Fara

tired..but still trying.

Searching for the truth when the truth was quite apparent all along is quite silly. When the truth hits you in the face, finally... you feel stupid. You knew it all along, but you refuse to acknowledge it. Putting hopes in places that is not even worthwhile. Ending one silly, silly chapter of my life. Note- when i thought things was at the peak of rotting and falling apart- i made a decision that seemed the most rationale-and what Allah SWT has given us all this while, which is akal, is the right thing to make use of. :) Alhamdulillah, i now see the hikmah behind my decision.

Speaking of hikmah.. im again in a position where i dont know whether what i had done is the right thing to do. Whether it is the right decision. Whether i am where im supposed to be. Waves and waves of tests are pushing me to the edge. Ya Allah is this where i am supposed to be. If it is, please please give me the strength and patience to bear with all this.

Ive always blamed my parents for screwing their marriage. Ive always said they never thought of anyone else but themselves. Ive always said they are selfish in their own rights. Ive always thought they never sacrificed any amount of self importance for our sake, for the family's sake. Now i realise how hard it is to make that sacrifice. To hold on to what is in the Quran to save the marriage and family. How i pray and pray everyday that Allah SWT gives me the patience and strength to not be selfish. To remember my Iman. To remember that my goal, in the end, is His jannah. And to remember that this life i'm living belong only to Him. And only through His ways can i find happiness in this world and the next.

It is hard when i constantly feel unappreciated. It is hard when i constantly feel like i look like shit in his eyes. It is hard when i feel like whatever i do will never earn his appreciation. It is hard when i feel like everything i do is not gonna be enough.

Ya Allah, although i may not be good enough in his eyes, although i may not be what he really wants, i will keep on trying to be all that, so that i may be a good partner. So that i may look good in Your eyes, Ya Rahman, Ya Rahim.

I hope this road i'm on will be easier soon. I know im stronger than my parents. I know i will not repeat all that they have done. I know because i have learnt. And i have sworn not to put my own future family in the place i have been before. I now leave the rest of my direction in Your hands Ya Allah.

A courage to post this

Im writing this as tears are pouring down my eyes.
I cant stop them. Ive tried.
I am willing to let go of everything.
Please.
I am willing to hurt everyone.
Just please, answer this call.
Just please, answer this text.
The road in front of me looks like it is never ending
Its dark
Im scared
Im all alone except for this blank white screen

Ill keep driving. Till you answer this call of mine.
Please
Please say something. Do something. And i will walk away from it all.

Just to be with you.
Just to be yours.
Just to feel the warmth of your body in the car seat next to mine again.
To see your smile again.
And laugh at all your silly thoughts.


Please care enough to answer me
Please worry enough to ask me anything
Anything at all.
This is the one chance i have.
The one time i can do this.
Please please
Love me enough to do this.

All i need from you
Is that one sign
Please

31.3.2012

I cant make you love me
If you don't

Morning is here and ill do whats right
Ive given time to let myself give up this fight
and now i will give up this fight

i will let go if this world.
in search of the next world's happiness.
it hurts very much to care about this world anymore


4.4.2012

feeling stupid

what is wrong with meeeeee?????!!!!

i feel so stupid and dejected... i feel like i need to throw myself off a cliff...

i feel...

i feel...

need to go for a long drive....

yes..

of complexities and complexes

why oh why oh why...
do we turn simple things into as difficult as they can be?
they then become complexities...


why oh why oh why...
do people (with low self esteem, self confidence, self pride, etc.)
try to compensate by acting like they are 'something' or 'someone' with 'attitude'?
they then are plagued with complexes...


you see...

In the instance of  'COMPLEXITIES' ...

complexities make life difficult. its easier to be honest. say what you feel. say what you think. smile when you feel like. dont when you dont. see..easy rite? but no..we humans choose to make things difficult. "dont say what you think, it might hurt someone, or make some other think something of you."<like HUH?> OR "dont say what you feel. you might get hurt. or hurt someone. are you really sure of what you feel?" <like HUH?? yet again>
See what i mean?? simple things become difficult. and you end up doing what YOU THINK you are SUPPOSED to do. when REALLY, all you should have done is do what you WANTED to do.

In the instance of  'COMPLEXES' ...

Note this: Complexes -->In psychology, a group of related, often repressed ideas and impulses that compel characteristic or habitual patterns of thought, feelings, and behaviour. 

Ppl with complexes annoy me. let me give you an example. if you are fat, then dont make things complex. tell yourself the truth--> i am fat. i dont like the way i look because ppl dont like the way i look. so lets do something about it so i can become happy with myself. and other ppl will find me good looking too.

BUT NO...
You choose to have a complex where you say you are absolutely happy with yourself. You are proud of who you are. But you actually feel like shit deep inside. And on impulse, you do everything and anything to garner attention. Why? because you know without doing anything like that, you dont get the kind of attention you want. Well, let me tell you this. You dont get attention because you actually have a complex. And that complex is causing you to become annoying.


So here it is....

I choose to not be complex. I choose to not turn simple things into complexities. Here i am not being complex. And being simple. And this is what i have to say:

YOU COMPLEX PEOPLE AND PEOPLE WITH COMPLEXES ARE ANNOYING! The bane of my existence you are. 


Well.. thats all for today. Ta ta folks! :)

it hurts

it hurts so much to know
im never going to be perfect for you

it hurts so much to know
im never going to be pretty in your eyes

it hurts so much to know
there will be others whom your eyes will adore
and those arent me

it hurts so much to know
whatever i do
i cant change the way i look
to suit what you love to see

it hurts so much to know
however much i try
i wont be the one who will be
the prettiest you will ever see

it hurts so much to know
that i have to live with this fact
for the rest of my life

only able to see your eyes linger
on faces you deem beautiful
and see the smile on your face
when you look at  me
knowing you are contented with me
but can never be proud of me

it hurts..